By Troy D.

If you’re sitting at home thinking “I’m kinda lonely, I think I want a girlfriend to enhance my life…” Then hey, there’s no harm in thinking that. We’re all here for different reasons. BUT, if that’s what you want and you go out thinking “I just want to improve my social skills…” Then, there will be a huge incongruence once you get to the point of escalation. You have to look deep down and be clear about your intentions as you’re learning this.

I’ve had different eras or sagas in my dating life. There was a period when I was a “notorious player,” when resentment from a past hurt motivated me to date as many hot girls I could. And I was very successful. I knew what I wanted so I acted as that. I was cocky, somewhat manipulative, and challenging. There were girls who loved that, and there were who didn’t. Did I live a life of drama? Yes, and add a few death threats too. Either way, it was a period in my life I will never regret, because I learned A LOT of lessons there that I consider priceless. I had around 6 or 7 girlfriends at one time, and sex was as easy as breathing.

Then, I also had a time when I realized all that notoriousness wasn’t all that good and wanted one girlfriend. I just wanted someone intelligent, socially savvy, and physically attractive to be my girlfriend. Because of that, I calibrated my approach to dating. So, for 2 ½ years, I had one girlfriend, and she was all that I wanted. I loved her, and my family loved her. My social life was awesome with her, and both our professional lives were on a high because of being mutual motivators and “being in love.” My life was blissful, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Then I went single again, and realized I had various business goals and lived in a new city. So, I wasn’t necessarily looking for a girlfriend, nor did I have the same motivation to become a notorious player (plus I wasn’t ready for the drama), so I had mixed goals. I started going to school, and started to have friends. So, my mindset was, get a new set of friends, and have fun and socialize. I didn’t have a game plan or the logistics to close, but my goals were accomplished. By the first month, I had A’s on my grades, and I had a group of good friends to rely on.

Later on, this pick up artist buzz started, and I realized how fun it was and how I started feeling that whole “I think I want a girlfriend” attitude, so with my friends I started doing this stuff. I ended up dating a few girls, rolled up some one night stands, and what not. Once the buzz around it started, I said to myself, “I want to be an expert at this,” So, I set out on that task, studied and practiced 10,000 + times, and that eventually lead me to be a coach for Charisma Arts. I remember well that my friends here in San Antonio felt like I was drafted into the NBA or something. They hoisted me up on their shoulders.

The common thing in all those periods, was that I was able to accomplish ALL my goals. Why? Because I had a CLEAR MINDSET on WHY I was doing what I was doing. If I were to re-write the ABC’s of dating, A would stand for ATTITUDE.

Now, teaching for a few years now, I’ve realized a huge trend from guys coming into this. Some guys come in this with goals that severely contradict each other.

Look at these 4 things:

“I want to improve my social skills”

“I want a long-term girlfriend”

“I want one night stands”

“I want to date lots of girls”

Some might say that you can accomplish all 4 if you go out and practice. BUT IN REALITY, it will be a long, tough road, laden with very, very sporadic results. Now, unless you’re okay with that, go with the “accomplish all” mentality. But if you’re going for consistency, you can’t just go that way.

I have past students such as German Falcon, Stone, Eric L who are notoriously dating and seeing a whole pipeline of girls. We’re talking 5 girls simultaneously. Now, is that a coincidence? Do you think they just went out thinking “I want to improve my social skills” and this just happened? Do you think they even really think, “long term girlfriend?” NO. They actually up the ante on their skills, have actual day 2 or 3 transitions, and devote TIME into making this goal a reality. And no, they don’t want a girlfriend. To most guys, they don’t even have the time to date even if they approach every weekend. So, I tell you, set time for this. If you save up all your social time for the weekends, then forget it, because you’ll need to set time aside to actually convert these numbers and actually do a second meet up preferably when its NOT Saturday night.

This is what they wanted. And they do practice notoriously. I remember Stone said something like “I’m not going for less than an 8 in looks.” Hey, I’m not going to judge that. It’s no surprise that he’s dating escorts and bartenders from trendy night clubs. He goes 4-6 nights a week. Not because he wants to “practice social skills,” but he wants to notoriously date very attractive women. I know for a fact that German Falcon has tons of girls he regularly sees; apart from the new ones he meets everyday.

I have clients like Ch from Austin, or The Lion from Dallas who simply just want to get laid, and 2, 3 weeks down the line they do. Did they have to learn everything? NO. They just learned enough stuff to get them laid. If their goals change down the line, then they have to adapt their mindset and calibrate their goals to the new mission.

On being sociable — Learning to be sociable and actually accelerating your dating life, is almost like comparing apples and oranges.

I know LOTS and LOTS of people who are social hubs and have thousands of connections, while having zero or a negative romantic life.

Why? It’s because although being a social connector will indirectly move you forward into meeting more people and enhancing your life, it also requires a lot of WORK. Imagine, all the text messages, calls, meet ups, the name-remembering and the parties. Unless this is what you really want, don’t expect a lot of sex in return.

This is why I am not really a social hub. Sure, I have friends and social circles, and I can act as one in any social situation, but there is no way I can be a connector 24/7. My way of handling that is to have friends who are social hubs. If I have a party or event, I can trust my social hub friends to bring close to 7-10 girls each. In Charisma Arts I know Chad is pretty good at this. He even mentioned there were people who did only this (connecting and socializing) for 24 hours straight.

This is what you focus your game plan on, on what your true intentions are.

Here’s a real-world example –

You – Being sociable without any preparedness – blind and Incongruent

You go to a club, where there are lots of hot girls. Is there a reason they look hot? Let me see, to socialize? NO. They came out in hopes of looking for a romantic mate. Get that in your head. If you have another reason why they go to clubs, hit me up on email. I could be wrong. Anyhow, you approach the girl, you have the skills learned from practice, theory, as well as a previous boot camp, and things go really well…

You connect…

BUT….

There’s incongruence in attitudes:

You – being sociable

Her – finding a mate

Look at this incongruence right here.

First off, in your mind you don’t want to get romantic with her, heck even if she were tossed to you in a silver platter there’s no way in hell you want to sex her. Your mind is not ready nor do you have the intestinal fortitude to push through. You don’t have any day 2 mechanisms and most probably even if you did get her to “have coffee and a good conversation” you wouldn’t know how that transitions to sex.

Re-read that last paragraph. If you’re not getting anywhere in your dating life and you’ve been approaching for awhile this is probably why. Now do you understand that everything starts with attitude?

So, you take her number…

Your idea of a call back is something like “Hey Johana, it’s me Troy, what are you up to?”

You call, she takes it, and you have this urge to “build attraction…re-connect, re-build that connection….” WRONG

It’s going nowhere, and later on she flakes. She’s never heard from again.

When you are going out blind with the wrong reasons, you don’t escalate. You don’t even have the mindset or the logistical mechanisms to set things in motion

When I’m interacting, I’m sure that I do have a game plan. I do know places which we can have a relatively low-pressure meet up to be ourselves. I also know how to transition from there to back in my bed room. Plus, I am ready for any sexual advance that might happen ANYTIME in the interaction. I’m ready to make out, do some foreplay, heck, and even have sex in my car if I have to. Even before I get her number I’m already telling her about what will happen. I’m bringing her into my life, my reality. So when I take that number it’s as easy as “remember what I said about playing some songs together? I’d love to do that with you. What days are you available in the week?” She KNOWS that there is DIRECTION as to where this is going. In her head, she’s thinking “We meet, play some tunes together, I get to express myself, I get to know him more, we share some intimate moments, and we have sex by date 3.” That’s what’s on her mind even before she gives you the number. Can you imagine what would happen if you had an empty game plan?

Let me give you an easy way I can figure out if a guy knows what he wants

I call it “The Congruency Question”

I simply ask my clients “What would you do, if you were out in a club, and a hot chick comes up to you, saying…I want to fuck…”

What would you do?

If your answer is somewhere along the lines of “uhhhhhhhhhhhh….errrrrrr…..” Then you must re-evaluate your goals.

In conclusion, you have to re-evaluate your intent into this, because once you do, you will have a clear cut desire and a well-thawed out game plan consisting of goals and objectives to get you closer to that ideal lifestyle.

Don’t go out blind. Go out prepared

Troy

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