Hide and Seek
People like to hide from one another. They may have grown out of hide and seek, but they still unintentionally try and conceal their real selves in their interactions. This is because people are afraid of being intimate with one another; yet it is exactly this intimacy that everyone craves. Want to make a connection with someone? Then you need to learn how to seek out their true selves in your conversations. Time: We are not the same person that we were 5 years ago, 5 weeks ago or 5 hours ago. What is interesting in an interaction is what is happening between two people in that moment. To have a highly charged interaction both people need to be invested in that moment and be reacting to one another. To avoid this people often talk about what their lives were like years ago. They are hiding their feelings of the present by talking about a time that has passed. Swapping anecdotes of your first day at school can be fun, but bring the interaction back to the present. Talk about how you feel in that moment, and if they don’t follow suit, be direct and ask “How does that affect you now?” This will engage them to start thinking in the present, and telling you something that is relevant to them that day. Tense: An exciting interaction is one that is focused on what the people think, feel and plan to do in the present. It’s the difference between relating old dates, speculating about ones you might get in the future, or having a great date then and there. Always think about how what the person is saying relates back to them in the present. If you don’t you’ll only ever grasp the image they choose to present of themselves [...]
Video: Building Bridges
Who knew that the Golden Gate Bridge provided such a good metaphor for two people building a relationship? Wayne ‘metaphor maker’ Elise obviously… Much like any worthwhile interaction, a bridge isn’t built from one side but works when both sides put in effort and meet in the middle. Building a relationship ‘bridge’ with someone from your side only is never going to work. You become overly invested in the interaction. If the other person hasn’t made any effort, then it is much easier for them to walk away. Investing is committing so if you do too much of it, and the other person not enough, then you’ll end up with one person who wants to build the Golden Gate bridge of relationships — and another who is happier just sharing a few stepping stones with you. How do you stop being too invested? Stop thinking about demonstrating higher value — you may leave no space for the other person to naturally offer you their value. Learn something about them so you have a basis for your attraction and a genuine interest in their conversation. Be comfortable with silences and use them to your advantage: give the other person a chance to fill the conversational vacuum. Make statements — don’t ask questions: questions demand a response, show some courage and individuality in a statement instead. If a person responds to a statement it is a more genuinely invested response, and is the first step in getting them to commit to being more intimate with you on every level. For more about how to make statements instead of asking questions read our new post ‘How to Say I Instead of Asking You’. Until then get conversational bridge building.