Steven wrote on our article request form: Hey CA team,
It´s me Steven! i´m interested in your view on the blind driver metaphor again. i know the metaphor but is it the same later in the interaction (for example escalating for the kiss or a romantic date, or in general something that leads to sexual level)?
does the escalation not go further because she knows something that you don´t know? can i overcome it with the questions: what do you have to tell me, that stands between us?
Thx have a nice day, Steven
Thanks for the request Steven.
I'm going to answer this in two parts. First, for those who aren't familiar with the blind driver metaphor it goes something like this: Imagine you're sitting at home when your friend drives up into your driveway in his car. You walk out and he says to you, "Come take a ride with me. We're going to drive down the busiest street in town. It should be fun. We'll stop and buy ice cream too."
This sounds good. You open the passenger-side door and start to climb in.
"But," your friend says as he ties a black silk around his eyes. "I'm going to drive while wearing this blindfold."
Wait a sec. He won't be able to see the obstacles ahead! I'm guessing, you're not climbing into that car. You're too smart for that.
And yet, we try to convince people to ride with us all the time while we're blindfolded.
It's the same thing when trying to hook up with girls. She has things in her life which will derail you. Things that she KNOWS you're unaware of. Things such as her boyfriend situation or her impending move out of town or her devotion to Coldplay. You're so F-ing blind.
If she knows that you can't see her obstacles ahead no way is she climbing into your car.
She has no confidence that you can maneuver around the obstacles you can't see so she resists any course of action that moves in the direction of potential conflict with her obstacles.
For example, let's say you meet a woman who is in a relationship - a bad relationship that should end, but a relationship nonetheless.
Her friends are there around her. So what's the likelihood she'll get involved in your conversation and flirt back?
Close to zero I'm afraid. She doesn't want to look like an unfaithful hussy in front of her friends: the gay hair dresser, her two co-workers at the yoga studio. People gossip, ya know. So she doesn't want to encourage you. She gives you the cold shoulder. Even more so if she's super-attracted to you. In a sense, in this situation, the better you do, the worse you do.
So how do you fix this?
Simply take off your blindfold.
Find out her obstacles. Talk about her relationship. Be cool with it. This will allow her to commit to the conversation with you. She will know you won't do something stupid like ask for her number in front of her friends.
You: "So what's your relationship situation?"
Her: "I've been dating the same guy for two years."
You: "Okay, cool. I like relationships. One day I hope to be in another again myself."
And then after the conversation is good, after you feel that spark, you can hit on her: try something subtle and sexy. Maybe a whisper in the ear. "I want to see you again. Just the two of us."
Make sense? If not, drop me a comment below. Or come to one of my events. :)
All the best,