Blind-Driver part 1

Steven wrote on our article request form: Hey CA team,

It´s me Steven! i´m interested in your view on the blind driver metaphor again. i know the metaphor but is it the same later in the interaction (for example escalating for the kiss or a romantic date, or in general something that leads to sexual level)?

does the escalation not go further because she knows something that you don´t know? can i overcome it with the questions: what do you have to tell me, that stands between us?

Thx have a nice day, Steven

Thanks for the request Steven.

I'm going to answer this in two parts. First, for those who aren't familiar with the blind driver metaphor it goes something like this: Imagine you're sitting at home when your friend drives up into your driveway in his car. You walk out and he says to you, "Come take a ride with me. We're going to drive down the busiest street in town. It should be fun. We'll stop and buy ice cream too."

This sounds good. You open the passenger-side door and start to climb in.

"But," your friend says as he ties a black silk around his eyes. "I'm going to drive while wearing this blindfold."

Wait a sec. He won't be able to see the obstacles ahead! I'm guessing, you're not climbing into that car. You're too smart for that.

And yet, we try to convince people to ride with us all the time while we're blindfolded.

It's the same thing when trying to hook up with girls. She has things in her life which will derail you. Things that she KNOWS you're unaware of. Things such as her boyfriend situation or her impending move out of town or her devotion to Coldplay. You're so F-ing blind.

If she knows that you can't see her obstacles ahead no way is she climbing into your car.

She has no confidence that you can maneuver around the obstacles you can't see so she resists any course of action that moves in the direction of potential conflict with her obstacles.

For example, let's say you meet a woman who is in a relationship - a bad relationship that should end, but a relationship nonetheless.

Her friends are there around her. So what's the likelihood she'll get involved in your conversation and flirt back?

Close to zero I'm afraid. She doesn't want to look like an unfaithful hussy in front of her friends: the gay hair dresser, her two co-workers at the yoga studio. People gossip, ya know. So she doesn't want to encourage you. She gives you the cold shoulder. Even more so if she's super-attracted to you. In a sense, in this situation, the better you do, the worse you do.

So how do you fix this?

Simply take off your blindfold.

Find out her obstacles. Talk about her relationship. Be cool with it. This will allow her to commit to the conversation with you. She will know you won't do something stupid like ask for her number in front of her friends.

You: "So what's your relationship situation?"

Her: "I've been dating the same guy for two years."

You: "Okay, cool. I like relationships. One day I hope to be in another again myself."

And then after the conversation is good, after you feel that spark, you can hit on her: try something subtle and sexy. Maybe a whisper in the ear. "I want to see you again. Just the two of us."

Make sense? If not, drop me a comment below. Or come to one of my events. :)

All the best,

Wayne

What Books I Recommend

Eric had a request on our Request an Article form. Title: What Books would you guys recommend?

Greetings CHARISMNA ARTS,

I have ALWAYS wanted to IMPROVE my over all Game ( as if i HAVE ANY THATS EXISTING,..ha ha). What sepcific books , articles should I reaD? ANy courses that I should take that may help me? Such as NLP, Hypnosis, Salsa, etc.

Thanks for the request Eric. Those are good questions and here I am writing an article for you. :)

I would stay away from NLP and hypnosis - these, IMO, are more scam than reality. Salsa is great if you enjoy dancing. But don't do it to meet women. There are much more interesting skills to learn if you want to stand out or be a more attractive lizard. Try taking a ballet class. Or a Thai cooking class. Learn to walk on a wire. How about portrait painting class? Learn to French Braid. I saw a guy once who could French Braid. He had a line of girls waiting for his services. And they paid him too. What I'm saying is, think out of the box and learn something more unique than a skill you'd pick up in the typical 'single people' classes.

As far as books and reading, I'll recommend a few self-help/non-fiction titles here but in general I'm more of a proponent of fiction. I love the effect compelling fiction has on the mind. Reading fiction builds our imagination-muscles - which are lacking in most people. I also think a good fiction book can teach subtle things about people and conversation.

Reading a good fiction book is akin to spending time with a good conversationalist or a good storyteller. It can influence the way we communicate.

Here are few of my favorite books I recommend to entertain and enhance your personhood:

* Women by Charles Bukowski Amazon link. You could spend your life studying Bukowski himself but you'll pick up some of his voice by reading this book that's semi-autobiographical and about the women who flow in and out of a man's life. Once, someone told me my writing reads like Bukowski. This person may have been drunk at the time but I took it as a high compliment. Bukowski, had disdain for using adjectives and adverbs. His writing is tight and economical and allows for the reader to fully actualize their imaginations and prejudices.

* Anything by Edgar Rice Burroughs. I grew up on his series 'John Carter of Mars'. Sort of a Lawrence of Arabia on Mars. He also penned the original Tarzan series. Good stuff to read to feel more manly and adventureous.

* In my opinion it should be mandatory for every person to read The Hobbit by J.R. R. Tolkien. Amazon link. Some books, many of them excellent, are written with no sense of the Author's presence. And some books are written with an over-bearing Author presence. The real magic of Tolkien was his ability to infuse his presence, his voice in his writing in a pleasant way. You get a sense of a friend talking to you, not an over-bearing 'authority'. This is the book so many over-bearing people should read and absorb and try to sound like. I wish one day to be able to capture in my conversations the magic and light of The Hobbit.

* Elmore Leonard is a writer of fiction. Because of his expertise with writing interesting dialogue many of his novels have been turned into films. One of my favorites is the movie 'Get Shorty'. But his real gem IMO is his Ten Rules for Writing Fiction. You can just take his advice and apply it to conversation.

* I capture the Castle by Dodie Smith Amazon link. If you, like me, love skinny, art girls, you'll find that they've all love this book. So why not get into their minds and understand them by reading this one? This is also happnes to be a beautifully written book and one of my all time favorites. Dodie Smith, who also wrote 101 dalmations, carefully crafted this book over years and years. At the end I fell in love with the Casandra character. You may too.

* Stephen's King's On Writing. Amazon link.  A book about advice on being a writer as well as a bit autobiographical. He's not a big 'write from an outline' guy and neither am I. Conversation is like writing in many ways and you can't make interesting conversation from an outline. His idea are applicable to achieving success in many fields.

* Effortless Mastery by Kenny Werner. Amazon link. Know the difference between art and technique? Know how to practice to become a master? A musician ex-girlfriend turned me on to this book and I've been recommending it to people ever since.

* Zen and the Art of Stand-Up Comedy By Jay Sankey I'm not providing the Amazon link on this one since Amazon listed the book for way more than you can pay somewhere else. Someone can tell me if its maybe out of print. Written for standup comics, this book will nonetheless make you funnier or at least more Zen about trying and failing to be funny.

My Ebook How to Meet and Connect with Women. The principles I outlined five years ago are still true and at the core of what I teach:  the value of commitment, how to be charming in the face of adversity, all sorts of yummy and helpful ideas.

*Your book. Yep, I think that any decent conversationalist or ladies man in training ought to be writing himself to develop his voice and use of language. It doesn't matter much what genre. Personally I write poetry, fiction and non-fiction and I can tell you that I have relied on the communication skills I have learned from all of them in many other contexts.

Hope that helps Eric.

All the best, Wayne

BTW, I'd love to hear in the comments any books all of you readers here would recommend reading.