By Wayne Elise
If you think about it, Jokey Smurf is a terrorist. He places bombs in boxes, wraps them in gold-leaf paper and ties them with a red bow. Sounds like an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) to me. Other Smurfs find these irresistible.
Brainy Smurf smiles at the site of a gift. "For me? Aww, you really shouldn't have Jokey."
Jokey reaches to take the box back.
Brainy tightens his grip on it. "Don't you dare. I love surprises. I was just being a polite smurf."
He unwraps the gift and it explodes in his face. Boom!
Jokey doubles over with laughter. "Hahahahahaha."
Brainy staggers around, wiping the soot out of his eyes. "Very funny Jokey Smurf."
For the life of me I can't understand why Jokey's not on Obama's drone-kill list.
Boom Boom Boom.
You'd think the Smurfs would wise up to his hijinks. But they fall for the same gag over and over.
Boom Boom Boom.
Meanwhile, on the other side of Smurf Village, inside Vanity Smurf's house, a distant explosion rattles the windows.
Handy Smurf looks up from his tea. "That was a big one."
Vanity Smurf lowers his hand-mirror. "Yeah. I can't believe anysmurf would be so gullible." He opens the front door. "Oh hey, there's a present on my doorstep."
"Wait! Don't open it!"
"But it's so pretty. Probably a gift from an admirer. I'll just pull this ribbon off..."
So why is Jokey Smurf so successful with his reign of terror?
The answer is, he understands Smurf psychology. He knows that a Smurf has to desire something before you give it to them. And if you build enough desire you can get anybody to do anything.
Compare that to how Brawny Smurf acts. He sticks flowers in Smurfett's face. He performs headstands for her amusement. He offers things with no sense of building desire and he gets nowhere with her.
At night he's comforted by Brainy who rubs smurf oil into his shoulders.
"You don't want her anyway," Brainy says. "Based on Smurfett's flirtation behavior, I calculate there's a seventy five percent chance she has smurf-bumps."
"I don't care. She's the only girl I could love."
"She's the only female smurf we know in existence so technically you are correct. But logic dictates that if there's one there could be others. And mostly I think you should look nearby for companionship and..."
"She's perfect for me." Brawny says, cutting Brainy off.
"I know you think so but perhaps you should try someone new."
"I need her."
"Her hair is like gold. Her body is like a lilac flower..."
"...with two plump, delicious smurf berries."
"Someone who appreciates your strength."
Brawny stands up, unbalancing Brainy who tips over and falls face first onto the floor.
"I need to go lift some boulders," says Brawny. "If my biceps are just a smurf-inch bigger I'm sure she'll notice me."
Meanwhile Smurfett's hooking up with Jokey behind the Bakery while Baker Smurf is off smoking a joint in the woods with Pappa Smurf.
"Oh Jokey," she says. "You're so bad for me. But I just can't get enough of you. You have a way of making me feel like I just drank tingle berry juice. I feel warm and excited around you."
Jokey sticks out his tongue. "Ha ha."
"Is that all you can say?"
She shakes her head. "Ugh! Men!"
She picks her dress off a bush. "I'm leaving."
He holds his hands out. "Wait. Here's something for you."
"What? A present for me. You've never done that before. That's so nice. I was wrong to get mad at you."
She unties the ribbon and opens the lid.
I think humans are not so different from Smurfs. They pursue what they desire. The key to succeeding with them is making them desire something you have.