What happened? You be the judge!
By Wayne Elise
Being charming often comes down to understanding the principles of human interaction. To help us better understand these dynamics, read the following story and comment on where Bob wimps out, uses pansy-speak and plays his cards wrong. Bonus points for spotting goofy techniques. I have placed numbers along the side to enable reference.
01: The Scene: A bar somewhere. Bob approaches a group of women.
02: “Hello ladies,” he says. “I can only stay for a minute.”
03: “Okay…,” the women say.
04: He sticks his hand out. “My name’s Bob.”
05: The women look at each other. One looks at the floor. Another looks at the ceiling.
06: One one thousand, two one thousand, three one…
07: One of the women sighs and takes his hand, “I’m Sandra. This is everyone.”
08: “Nice to meet you.”
09: “Sir,” a waiter leans in, “What would you like to drink?”
10: “Can I get a Diet Coke?” asks Bob.
11: “Rum in that?” the waiter raises his brow.
12: “No thank you.”
13: The waiter holds his fingers apart. “How bout a wee bit?”
14: “Okay fine, a wee bit then.” He turns back to the women. “So are you ladies having a good time?”
15: The women look at each other. One looks at the bartender. Another checks out her fingernails.
16: “Yeah, we’re having a good time,” says Sandra.
17: The other women giggle at that for some reason.
18: Bob leans into her. “So what do you think about this place?”
19: “It’s okay, we come here all the time.”
20: He nods his head. “I thought so. You’re party girls aren’t you?”
21: “No, this place is just near where we work.”
22: “Okay. Good for you.”
23: She knits her brow and turns back to the others.
24: “Your rum and… Diet Coke has arrived,” says the waiter setting the drink in front of Bob.
25: Bob checks his watch. “That was fast.” He takes a sip.
26: “Yes sir. That will be $57.”
27: Bob’s gag reflex makes him cough. “A touch expensive, isn’t it? Is this Rum from Bob Marley’s private collection?”
28: “No sir. I took the liberty of allowing you the privilege of paying for the ladies drinks.”
29: Sandra winks at Bob. “Thanks Bob.” She calls out, “Cheers to Bob!”
30: The women cheer and toast.
31: “Who’s Boob?” asks one woman.
32: “The boob who paid for the drinks,” says another.
33: “Thanks Boob.”
34: Bob grabs the waiter’s sleeve. “Can I not have the privilege of paying for the drinks?”
35: The waiter studies him then answers in a French accent he didn’t have a moment ago, “No, I dooonna thinka sooo. Not posseeebuulll.”
36: Bob pulls his wallet and hands over his Visa.
37: “Hey Sandra,” calls out one of the women. “You’re single You should give Bob here your number.”
38: All the women laugh at that.
39: Sandra squirms in her seat. “I don’t give out my number.”
40: The women goad her. “Awe come on.” “Give it a whirl.” “He’s got nice eyes.” “Must be loaded.”
41: Everyone stares at her.
42: She turns to Bob. “Why don’t you give me your number?”
43: All eyes shift to Bob.
44: “I can’t give my number out either,” says Bob.
45: “Why the hell not Boob?” someone calls out.
46: “I have just promised some people.”
47: “You’re one of those guys aren’t you?” asks a woman.
48: “What guys are those?” asks Bob.
49: “Those guys. Janice what are those guys called? From that book Mike was reading. The one that looks like a Bible?”
50: “The secret lives of pickup artists,” says the one called Janice.
51: “That’s right. You’re a pickup artist.”
52: “Do you do this all the time?”
53: “Do what?” asks Bob.
54: “Talk to strange women and try to pick them up.”
55: “Is your basement full of whips and sexual devices?” asks another woman.
56: They all laughed except Janice.
57: “No,” says Janice. “They just get their numbers and leave ‘em high and dry. Its like a game. Right?”
58: Bob looks at her, “Well, if I told you I’d have to kill you.”
59: That pops the tension. The women lean back and began talking about other things. “Did you see that sample they brought in today?” “I’ve to go home and feed the twins.” “I have no idea how the company is supposed to market that thing.” “Did you see the new guy at the shop?”
60: The waiter is at Bob’s shoulder. “Nice try sir but you lost them with that last quip.”
61: “I was being mysterious,” says Bob.
62: The waiter now has an Australian accent. “No worries mate. Plenty more where they came from.” He smiles and pockets the card off of one of the women who mouths, “Call me.”
63: Bob touches the arm of Sandra. “How about we swap numbers?” he asks.
64: “Actually I’m seeing someone.”
65: “Well you never know. He might die or something.”
66: “That’s not funny.” She turns away.
67: Bob gets up and walks to the door.
68: The women all burst out laughing behind him.
69: Bob finds the valet and asks him to bring his car round.
70: “That was fast,” says the valet.
71: “Yeah,” responds Bob, “I could only stay for a minute.”
Okay so what did Bob do wrong or right or whatever you think? Put your comments in the forum using the numbers on the left for reference. I will post my thoughts later.
I think Sai has mentioned some valuable points. They say it is rude to laugh at your own jokes – maybe, but if you don’t find your own ideas amusing – then no one else is going to find you amusing- except as perhaps the ‘butt’ of their humour- as in the above exchange- which is only deserved for ‘butting in’ without anything to offer by way of a justification. Okay so the man had the requisite nerve – if throwing oneself at people’s mercy counts as nerve- but if he had good ideas to use – then nerve wouldn’t've been necessary – the expression ‘fail to prepare and prepare to fail’ somehow springs to mind.
Guys,
Key flaws….
He was appealing to the set… and thus gave away all his power in the interaction,
Everything else i say will be a subsect
Huge lack of self amusement… Every insult they threw at him could have easily been embraced and reflected, but he sat there letting them tool him
Came accross as very week…. He let the waitor tool him…
-He came in, with something that was fake that he was not entertained by..
Brother if you cannot entertain yourself how in the hell do you expect the other person to be entertained or intreged by you…
Theres such a thing for self belief….
Thats why the appocolpse works…
Thats why 10 second make outs work
Thats why same day lays work….
Very little to do with acctual Substance….
Far more to do with your own internal beliefs…..
————-
If you do not go in expecting nothing, comeing from nothing but your own pure self amusement and fufillment you are creating a whole within them…
You are pushing your own void onto them,
Redemption Songs
Songs of Freedom
Black
Sai, Black
Thanks for the thanks RJ. We’ll make a juggler of you yet.
Thanks for the welcome Just kidding. So far it does seem like a good place to learn. When I read “The Game” I felt like Juggler was more my kind of people.
Great responses guys. Next time I’m going to have to make this more difficult. I think this demonstrates that an interaction can be thrown off by the combined weight of many small mistakes.
Most of the things have been covered by the folks above. Bob could have used Wayne’s group technique:
Open with why are you here and what you’re going to do: “You guys seem friendly, I’m going to chat with you for two minutes and meet you.”
Then ask one of them an open-ended question: “What did you do today?”
Her: “I walked my cat.” [She makes some effort]
Bob: “Cool! I’ve always thought cats were not made to be locked up in the house. I think they are destined for higher deeds like running marathons or racing cars. My heart warms when I see a cat roam the world. What’s your name?”
Her: “Sandra.”
Bob: “I am Bob.”
06: I like his vacuum
08: He should have rewarded Sandra for making an effort. “Hi Sandra, it’s nice to meet you, and everyone as well! I am glad you spoke up. I like meeting new people but I am shy. I was getting getting nervous from the silence and ready to get up and leave, until you spoke. How is your night going? [to another woman.]”
18: He follows a question with a question. Instead relate first. “I just got here and haven’t felt the place out enough. What’s your take on it?” Also, his leaning in seems needy and creepy. Instead he can touch her on the shoulder with the back of his hand, then lean back and vacuum until she answers.
53: This seems like a good time for a long PAUSE, and then say whatever comes to mind… for me it was “No… I normally let my parrot do the talking while I pretend to be a pirate. ARRR. So, congratulations, you caught me on my good day!”
55: I would have found a way to reward that. “I like the way you think! Most women don’t come out and say stuff like that to strangers. I think I’m going to marry you. But your friend is looking at me with disapproval. Looks like I’ll have to win her over first. What’s your name?”
I can’t help but wonder if RJ above is none other than Ross Jeffries trying his hand at this…
No offence meant RJ, and welcome to a great place to learn.
K (alumni)
Where do you start?
I’ll start by saying that in my opinion as a new guy–the only really good thing that Bob did was to gather the guts to approach the women. I will give him credit for that.
I’ll try to find what he did that was a little bit correct.
02: “Hello ladies,” he says. “I can only stay for a minute.”
He gave a false time constraint so that was good but it was the first thing that he said–I just joined but that feels all wrong to me.
04: He sticks his hand out. “My name’s Bob.”
He introduced himself before he said anything of substance. At this point even if he were worth billions they don’t know it yet, so why would they care what his name is?
No suggestions, I’m new here and trying to learn.
01: The Scene: A bar somewhere. Bob approaches a group of women.
02: Yes, there is a time-constraint, but he did not let them know WHY he is talking to them and WHAT he’s going to do next (JM Escalation).
04: Giving his name away without any effort on the ladies’ part subcommunicates HIDDEN AGENDA.
08: “Nice to meet you.”
09: “Sir,” a waiter leans in, “What would you like to drink?”
10: Better to state wants/desires in a statement of preference: “I want a diet coke,” or “Diet coke, please.”
14: Not an open-ended question. Better: “How are you guys?”
18: Even though he asks an open-ended question this time, the interaction is now becoming a bit more boring and creepy at the same time. He still has not let them know why he is talking to them. He does not speak in the I-perspective. His questions also seem to force the interaction. He looks try-hard and his value diminishes. It’s better to have each other share in the I-perspective freely, than force the interaction using questions.
20: Another closed-ended question. This shows he has low expectations in other people. Also, Bob calls them “party girls” in the You-perspective. This is bad because this gets them defensive instead of getting them to actually open up.
22: “Okay. Good for you.” He still has not shown what he is getting out of the interaction! Creepo-meter goes berserk.
25: ‘Bob checks his watch. “That was fast.” He takes a sip.’ Here he talks about STUFF. I think the conversation worsens because here he talks about STUFF. More I-perspective here would be damn great. He is sealing himself in the platonic vibe.
27: Better to VACUUM the bartender. Keep solid body language. Let the vacuum show that Bob expects the bartender to explain himself.
34: His answer seems WEAK. Here, he should have said something in the lines of, “Hey, I would love to pay for your drinks, but only once I get to know you better.” In this way, you can show her that you only put effort on those you get value out of. Similarly, Juggler says that altruism is not believable.
44: “I can’t give my number out either,” says Bob. It is understood that the women know Bob is interested in them, but they feel that Bob only wants them as sexual mannequins. Anyways, here the woman gives an EFFORT by asking his number. I think Bob should have laughed and said, “Wow, women usually don’t ask me for my number. I totally did not expect that. I like that you made me laugh. You just totally lightened my mood. Before, I felt so serious because I was up studying for my mid-terms. Now I’m curious about you. I’d like for us to sit down there. I want to talk to you personally for five minutes and we can make each other laugh. I’ll share with you my three jokes…and…I might even buy you a drink!” Then he can talk more in the I-perspective about his values, desires, etc. Let her relate to them.
46: He is showing that he does not want to commit or put effort in the interaction by not handing his number. This shows he is closed. Vulnerability is much better because it shows your confidence.
49: “Those guys. Janice what are those guys called? From that book Mike was reading. The one that looks like a Bible?”
50: “The secret lives of pickup artists,” says the one called Janice.
51: “That’s right. You’re a pickup artist.”
52: “Do you do this all the time?”
53: “Do what?” asks Bob.
54: “Talk to strange women and try to pick them up.”
55: “Is your basement full of whips and sexual devices?” asks another woman.
56: They all laughed except Janice.
57: “No,” says Janice. “They just get their numbers and leave ‘em high and dry. Its like a game. Right?”
58: Bob’s answer “Well, if I told you I’d have to kill you” is unwarranted. Talking about killing with strangers is just fucking weird in my opinion. I think Bob could have said, “I love talking to strangers, especially cute strange women like you. I want to meet adventurous, open women. I love conquering the fear in me when I approach beautiful women. I find out that some are bad-ass, sexy mofos, while others are just boring as fuck. What do you find attractive in a man? (sly smile)”
59: That pops the tension. The women lean back and began talking about other things. “Did you see that sample they brought in today?” “I’ve to go home and feed the twins.” “I have no idea how the company is supposed to market that thing.” “Did you see the new guy at the shop?”
60: The waiter is at Bob’s shoulder. “Nice try sir but you lost them with that last quip.”
61: “I was being mysterious,” says Bob.
62: The waiter now has an Australian accent. “No worries mate. Plenty more where they came from.” He smiles and pockets the card off of one of the women who mouths, “Call me.”
63: Before asking for the number, I think Bob should have expressed more of his world, and allowed her to express her world as well. Ask about LOGISTICS (Boyfriend, etc). Then he can SOI, and then ask for her number. She seems defensive because he is a Blind Driver.
65: “Well you never know. He might die or something.” Creepy answer. I think it is better for Bob to talk about one of his relationships and talk about what he finds sexy about his partners. Again, he should talk in the I-perspective and let others know how to seduce him.
Lol!! I bursted out laughing while reading this… and at the end got pain in the heart because i recognised myself so much in Bob.
Actually, you could replace “Bob/Boob” with “Pieter”, and this could be a FR of one of my adventures
Thanks a lot for writing this Wayne! I think this way of teaching works very well: let people first think and post what they think the “solution” is, and then give your thoughts. It’s like what Rob did once in the “authority” thread. For me, it works soo much better than just giving all the answers from the beginning.
Rock on,
Pieter
P.S. The link to comment on the forum doesn’t work (yet).
Yikes! This reminds me of some of the painful interactions I’ve had before that made me want to cry. Here’s some of the mistakes (in my opinion) I could find:
02)Fake time constraint. This is an escalation which would probably go smoother if he had answered “why” he was approaching them and “what” they could expect from him.
04)I’m a little unsure of this one. I think that if he would have asked one of the girl’s her name, and received it, then he could have rewarded her with warmth for making that small commitment.
10)”Can i get a Diet Coke?” How about “I’d like a Diet Coke”
14)Close ended question
18)Another question (which he probably doesn’t care about) Make more statements from the “I” perspective
20)Another close ended question
26)I’d probably run away at this point
36)Bob gets pressured to pay for everyone’s drink and caves in.
58)Bob seems to have lost control by trying to answer questions from everybody in the group and then telling on of them that he would have to kill them. Intended to be playful but probably not received as so.
63)Goes for the close with no justification
65)Jokes that her boyfriend might die.
Not a public forum?